B E . S T R O N G

let me be frank here.
i had a big quarrel with her last friday.
it was a quarrel full of vulgarities and fuge.
we even break our friendship for it.
but on saturday night she smsed me and tell me her true feelings.
OVER HERE,
I WOULD LIKE TO AFFIRM HER.
for giving in and typing that message to me which salvaged our friendship.
it took her ALOT OF COURAGE and i am clear and sure about it.
we learnt a lesson.
[DIGNITY KILLS!]
it does.it will kill your friendship.
because of dignity,
we did not want to give in to each other,
we choose not to stay as friends because we don't want
to let the opponent feel we are defeated.
so we quarrel even more.
we said alot of things.
INCLUSIVE of truth and fake.
fake in the sense of our feelings and things we misunderstood.
BUT...
we survived it.we manage to calm ourselves and give in to each other,
putting down our pride and dignity..
i feel that God put a test between our friendship,
to show how much we love each other and how much we need each other.
and at the same time,erupt those unhappiness in our hearts that we
buried to each other,
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
because of this quarrel our hearts for each other is renewed again.
we no longer have any hidden unhappiness.
I THANK JESUS FOR THIS BEST FRIEND like HER.

HER,
i really thank you for stepping one step out.
if not,this friendship would have ended.
i have realised my fault and mistakes and i am sure yoo do too.
i think it's our past memories that brought us back to each other.
i also can't bear to lose this friendship indeed.
was really down about the broken friendship.
at the same time also angry about yoo saying break.
but the main feeling is WU ZHU ba.
i don't want to give in but i want this friendship
yet i don't know what else i can do.
i just choose to show yoo my anger since yoo give me ur anger.
but i really did cried for it.
yoo have REALLY been A GREAT FRIEND to me.
I AM BLESSED TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE,
FOR YOU PLAY THE BIGGEST PART IN MY LIFE over others.
<3>

talking about saturday...
it was KC's birthday celebration.
CROPS UP AND CROPS UP!
iie was busy looking for poppers..
going fairprice...then watson..
just couldn't find it..
got real anxious for it..
then someone told me maybe japanese home
has it.so i went there..
and found it finally..
then suddenly get a sms to buy cake for him.
then at the mean time KC already ask me to
meet him together to church..
i was like.................
OH NO!how?how?how?
was real nervous and worried about it.
so i scan through my WHOLE contact list in my phone.
called my cg members.
none was free..
fine...i called jeffrey,spencer then found out they are in cgm.
then i even called my band members to help me.
then either they never pick up my calls,
or they are not free..
*more and more nervous*
i called maggie in the end..
then AT LAST!someone rescued me!
she helped me take the cake.
THANK YOU MAGGIE!
then i ask maggie to pass it to jeffrey..
i then waited for KC for 1 plus hour!
sooooooo long la?!
i still manage to reach church in one piece though.
i was anxious so i asked spencer they all where is jeffrey.
i gonna tell yoo this.
i feel awkward and so low self esteemed about this.
WHY WHEN YOU ALL SEE ME,YOU ALL KEEP LAUGHING?
it makes me feel very weird and SUPER awkward la?
let me say what i was thinking:
"how come they keep laughing?is it cos they think
about me liking jeffrey in the past?or is it cos they
feel that this few days i and jeffrey very close
then thought i fall in love with him again?oh my goodness...
but why they take this issue and laugh at?
in the first place i feel that joking at two person who
don't love each other or one way ticket is NOT FUNNY!
it hurts their feelings and thrash their esteem.
just like how i felt though i dono abt jeffrey.
maybe jeffrey felt ashamed and shameful abt it?i am not sure.
haizz.ok ok..calm downnn..relax..just focus on the cake."

then i successfully asked jeffrey to help me hide the cake.
thank you jeffrey.
then i even asked him to help me hide the present.
LET ME SAY OUT THE REASONS WHY I ASKED JEFFREY TO DO IT.
-definitely NOT cos i love him
-cos he is the only one other than n234 that i know and
is close with.
-cos i really want to make a surprise for KC!totally
don't want him to know.
[[[[[[[[[[[THAT'S ALL]]]]]]]]]]
this wasn't the end..during ZONE debrief,
i was seating down on the floor,
jeffrey was standing super near me.
then there was a gap that he can seat.
yet he didn't..though i am not really sure why...
then peepos shouted,"JEFFREY!ni chi puo li zhang da de ah?"
DOUBLE AWKWARD OF THE DAY!
i was like...SIGHH~so irritated.
but why was i awkward?
probably because i used to like him and his cg members know it.but in the first place how do they even know it?!
i don dare to doubt.but i was thinking alot?
being close with a guy makes peepos feel
like i like him?!

why a guy and a girl cannot be too close.
though i understand the reason why,
but i still simply DON'T LIKE it that way..
AND CAN'T ACCEPT IT!
i wonder....
because got such thinking and this people creating "rumours"
then cause alot of really close girl and guy friendship
start to drift.
and that must also be one of the reasons why alot of peepos
go for "underground relationship".
sighhh~
i and jeffrey's friendship starts to drift real lot.
yes i was very bothered by it.
yes i felt upset and frustrated about it.
i really don't know what happen.
in the midst of no one telling me at all..
tongues wagging behind my backs yet i know
not a single thing[i feel]
i really do bother about this friendship.
i do care so much.
but i just feel that my care and bother attitude is unwanted
and simply not needed..
yes i am still holding on to this close friendship.
cos i have not learnt how to let go.
some say jeffrey is not really good.
so what?i like his way of doing things will do!
why must i hear that jeffrey is a good friend or what
before thinking whether i want to befriend him?
i trust him that he will always be better.
i trust God will change him too.
don't ask me why i don't trust others saying
his no good.
it's simply because i trust him.
i like his true character that he don put a mask in
front of me and that he is truthful for whatever he says.
i like the way he jokes with me and do magic to show
me when i am down,always encourage me when
he knows i am down..he is always there to
pull me up..
don't tell me that you are also like him very caring for me..
cos it's the matter of feel and time that builds it.
i did not have a close friendship with jeffrey until a period of time.i did work hard to make him be more open.
i may not sounds great to yoo all.
but to me,it's an accomplishment.
what have yoo peepos do to try to be close to me?
always saying "yoo can tell me if yoo have problems. :)"
does it helps?tell me how did yoo people react when i
once shared?either always use godly stuffs to say
which i feel that yoo don't acknowledge my pain,
or either tell me "shi zhe yang de la";"there are more peepos
who are worse than yoo.";"don't think about it la."
or either ask me to don't care.
all these who don't know how to say?
saying is just opening your mouth and speak.
but the doing person is me.
did yoo all guide me through?
accompany me through the days i was sad?
were yoo all sensitive enough to feel that i was still sad?
were yoo all even bothered to leave a sms asking about how am i or even call me?
IF yoo did not,how do yoo expect a close friendship?
don't always say i must take initiative..
cos i did take the initiative to talk to yoo all before.
but the reaction yoo all gave was not what i want.
though i know i can't expect everyone to suit me.
and sometimes i do feel that maybe the prob i share
will be shared to among peepos yoo are close to
or maybe someone yoo are sure he/she will not spread..
but so what?this is not the main thing.
the main thing is that i entrusted yoo with my problems,
yet yoo share it with others without even asking
for my permission or even opinion.
yes leaders are high in rank and i must respect them,
but when yoo were to say my prob to someone else,
i do really ask that you let me know!
I HATE IT when someone else know it and
either yoo deny or i find out that is you who secretly
told this person or that yoo gossip abt it.
don't tell me you 100% will not.
because though we all are christians,
we are not perfect.
we strive to be god-like,
but we are not god.
we still have our own worldly comments and character!
don't tell me c*******ns have no bad thinking?
they don't talk behind peepos' back?
HOW SURE CAN YOU GIVE ME A DEFINITE ANSWER:
"YES WE DON'T!NOT AT ALL!I CONFIRM WE DON'T
HAVE NEVER DONE ALL THESE THAT YOU MENTION."?
yes,leaders are god annointed leaders.
but are they perfect like god with no
worldly thinking?
but i want to say is that I STILL RESPECT THEM!
*relaxing..next topic and back to the day*
then we went to the nearby playground to celebrate
KC's birthday.pop at him.he was really scared.
the cake was good,the card was FABULOUS.
then
we went for penguin's band concert,
together clement,KC,austin,kenneth,eve and me.
it was really good..
then went to newton food center to eat.
rush to find my father's lorry later..
ya...this part is not really in detail cos i think this is really a LONG post.

SUNDAY:
i had feeling that i and jeffrey will not be going out.
it already started since ytd.
i waited for 17 hours for a reply.
i not sleep well.was real tired..
i went to yun nam for a free trial at 11.30am..
still dressed as going to Escape them park.
i still had the faith that he will bring me go
as promised though.
was lost when he said something happened.
i was really lost.i was at tiong bahru plaza that time.
when i finished with the free trial,
i stood there blankly not knowing what to do.
out of a sudden if i feel alienic with peepos around me.
i suddenly felt left alone.
was really blank and feeling really uneasy.
i walked around blankly.
went to "more than words" to see my favourite soft toys
and tears start dropping..
it took me some time to accept this fact.
i was really sad about it.
went to buy alot of cute things to ease my sadness.
really wanted to go Escape to play and release
my child-like attitude that is being hidden
under my strong attitude..
but in the end.....
haizzz..
i was worried about him,
i think he knows?
or perhaps he don't know cos i expected too much maybe.
i scrolled my contact list..
tried smsing those that may be able to go out,
ALL can't come out.
if not,THE REST is kids,
if not,can't get them.
AT THAT POINT OF TIME,
i marked all my contacts.
pressed [DELETE ALL].
but luckily stopped at the part when it says,
[DELETE?(yes/n0)]
looking at my contact list..
start to feel that all these peepos are alien to me.
THEN A RESCUER CAME.
SHANNON.
maybe this is the reason why there is a huge difference btw how i treat her and how i treat others.
she always pour it all out just to accompany me and
help me.always the ONLY ONE when peepos forsake me.
tolerating my nags and being a GREAT LISTENING EAR.
met with her at bugis..
she and jk treated me to [SOUP AND SPOON]
heyy!don't play play!the spicy wedges were VERY NICE!
she always never fails to make my day when i am real sad.
walk around trying shoes and she bought two pretty shoes.
then we went to burger king to eat and chatted alot
on the way home on my father's lorry.

SIM the place where i study is SO ULU!
it's not the one next to ngee ann.
is at bartley road.
when my father drowv there,
we thought it was some industry.
in the end,
that was my school.
LOL!
that's all..
i am more relieved now that i sound out.

no more broken promises.

i am scared and phobia of it.

bye.

and take care,my brother.

T A K E N . B Y . S J J

T A K E N . B Y . F Q T

T H E . V E R D I C T

I L O V E Y O U

A . P A R T . O F . M Y . L I F E

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