B E . S T R O N G

sometimes i feel very disappointed with myself.

i always ask myself,

"How do i serve people better? ;

How do I change myself to suit others? ;

How can i be winsome? ;

How can i serve better to friends , cell group church and ministry? ;

How do I serve my leader better? ;

How to bear a good testimony? ; "

How and how and how?!

I wept over and ovee again..

everytime i step out to try,

i face many rejections and ignorance.

yes,this is normal..

But sometimes.

i really need a rest.

I really need comfort.

YOu may ask,

"You don't say,how i know?I also not God what!?"

You know,sometimes i don say because

[x]I am afraid i may be disappointed because you may not be able to fulfill my expectations of someone who knows about my problem and the actions taken.

[x]I just need you to observe like I do.I need some attention and care.

you may say i am self-centered.

But seriously I am not.

Is just that I am tired being the one who care everytime.

Tired of being the one who always stand up and pull people together.

And most of the time,my efforts go to a waste.

sometimes oi swallow it myself..

YES,i do tell people the truth about them.

But not all my sour feelings are poured out

because i have learnt to be tactful of words i speak and who i speak to(:

I really reallyyy try my best to tone down,

to be nice,

to control my temper.

I really realllyyyy did.

But again and again,

I seem transparent to people J=

I try my best to control the negative side of me to flow in..

But how?

I am so tired of one person, _ _ _ _ _ _ .

I don't wish to disclose the name.

i want to let you know,i am tired.

I don't think i do you wrong.

WHy am i treated unfairly from other girls?

WHY?

Is it cos i am bad?

Is it cos i am not up to the standard the other have?

haish.

i am tired of trying so hard.

So tired that my tears cannot stop flowing.

please be sensitive,will you?

you may feel i don't deserve your care.

But please tell me why.

Don't leave me here and just ignore.

because i treat u as a friend, a family member just like how i treat others.

sighh. J=

END.

i don't want to further talk.

wish MingYao has a happy trip to Vietnam ahead(:

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Humans are really hard to understand.
Sometimes they say this and mean another way.
I always trust people that they treat me like a real friend.
But again and again,
the responses they gave show how much it is otherwise!
my friends seem to leave me liddat.
everyday busy,Busy,BUsy,BUSy,BUSY!
RAWWRS!
and they can like go out with others to do things they like.
and tell me,"No time.","Not free!"
Come on la!
alot of things is about how you prioritise.
you priortise your other things and your hobbies ma.
thats why i become the sacrificial thing.
someimes i think..
why should i be serious with friendships
when they don't seem to care?!
I hanged on.
WHY?
Because of one person!
Jesus Christ,my healer,my provider,my love and my life!
HE taught me to love my enemies.
Isn't this a sacrifice?
you think it is so easy to love someone who always make you down?
you think it is easy to love someone who lies?
you think it is easy to love someone who don't love you?
you think it is easy to love someone who is emo?
Answer: NO!
why persist on?
Why not?
you answer my question luhh!
why not?!
You will never understand unless you experience it!
Don't be stubborn!
Don't be hard-hearted!
Be of thick heart and thin skin!(:

I am not satisfied with the cg(:

I am really not.

too much to say.

sorry to stumble you if you are reading my blog.

but i think i should make a change!(:

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Why do i have expectations? )':

i'm still me(:

i never change.

i still love people i love.

but..

i love god more.

i will learn to let go completely(:

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SP photos

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We are the baobeis(:

They are like models. I am the SIAO one.

This picture is during june. pretty right?(:

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请不要分了以後　

还记得亲吻过的承诺你的永久　

已不属於我默默低头　

那时我很多　

话哽在喉咙你的笑你的快乐　

或许我爱太多想太多我能感受　

他比我适合爱放了手　

我伪装冷漠　

比你先说分手请原谅我　

原谅我不成熟不爱你是藉口　

好让你离开我请原谅我　

好想自私将你占有

你的寂寞就给我承受

换你过更好的生活

请不要分了以後　

还记得亲吻过的承诺

你的永久　已不属於我默默低头　

那时我很多　

话哽在喉咙你的笑你的快乐　

或许我爱太多想太多我能感受　

他比我适合爱放了手　

我伪装冷漠　

比你先说分手请原谅我　

原谅我不成熟

不爱你是藉口　

好让你离开我请原谅我　

好想自私将你占有

你的寂寞就给我承受

换你过更好的生活

爱过恨过哭过也笑过亲吻过

你的脆弱其实我比谁都要懦弱

原谅我　

必须假装爱错别让时间逗留　

我怕说不出口

原谅我　

没有解释太多　

心痛别无所求　

彻底忘了我爱原来有舍得

我爱过　我才懂

this song is so meaningful.

i cried reading this and listening to it.

i suddenly thought of all my ex-boyfriends.

the places we went to..

the things we said..

vows that were made..

all these are not fulfilled.

will someone come and fulfill it?

haiz.

times upon times disappointment comes in,

but still i am strong.

why must i be strong?

can't someone lift me up?

hurhur.

maybe i am strong cos i have to.

cos i have not found a physical person to lift me,

other than God.

don't say i am sad again ,

for your info,i had already change alot.

and i am still trying to change.

sometimes i just need motivations and affirmations.

still i don't get it.

some do it for the sake of doing it.

please!

only genuine love can touch me.

actions speak louder than words,

but words are important too!

and sometimes when your actions just don't tally

with your words,

it just makes me doubt!

and i hear things like,"i really love you,i really want to be this...and that,,and BLAH!"

Love me for who i am!

i am just me.

please don't ask me to be sandy or shannon or whoever.

because i am who i am.

i strive to be like Jesus for He created me!

I don't want to be like others,

because others are not me!

S
I

C

K

!

and those who listens to what i speak about,

disagree?

then go ahead.

sorry that i don't have brains that think alike!

disagree then don't act you agree.

why people just can't be real?

when nice,praise.

when badly done,say it!

but privately not publicly,of cos!

why stay dumb?

got things to say,SHOOT luhh.

what for hide?

if want to hide,make sure you hide till your tail can't be seen!

don't come and hurt people,

or should i say *me* ?

because it seems like other people is ok with being hidden

from the truth..

with me thinking this way doesn't mean people think this way either,ya?

so..

alrights.

*me*

=J

i am happy with who i am.

say i am so problem-free?

i am not!

come on?!

not only you will feel that people is not listening to u!

even as a cogl,

i don't get even people to listen to me!

people turn a deaf ear to me,

so,should i sit down and cry?

haiz.

sometimes i really pray i get more and more wisdom of God.
===========================

Thank you CLEMENT.
He came down all the way to Jurong point there
de library just to help me out on my laptop.
I am really touched by your actions(:
Thankyou.
Love talking to you.
You are simply great!
Thanks for your patience in teaching me.
And thanks for going the extra mile,
to download movies,photoshop and games for me.
REALLY REALLY,thanks((:
You are appreciated ^^

Then later Adeline came to meet us.
went to long john silver to look for me and clement.
talk abit and went off lerr.
both adeline and clement ate cheesy potatoes.
HAHA!
I LOVE POTATOES((:
thank you for sharing with me,yeah(:

Both of you are great.
You all brighten my lousy day expressed above with green
words((:

Daddy,
give me a larger capacity of tolerance and patience(:
I love you(:

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WOOHOO!
I am back (:
All these days I had been realll busy.
The reason is *Asia Conference*.
No doubt that it is good!
Not just good,
but BEST !
I believe those who attended Asia Conference had been blessed greatly.

Asia Conference is about churches from whole Asia coming together to pray, electives such as [Building a Healthy Self-esteem; Personal grooming; Effective counseling and more]
2008 Asia Conference,
City Harvest Church, my church, is hosting it!
Can you believe it?
Why not the famous Thomson Newton church?
Why is it City Harvest Church? (:
I have always believed it is because of good pastor like Pastor Kong, Pastor Aries, Pastor Zhuang, Pastor Derek, Pastor Tan, Pastor Meng and the CHC staffs looking after the church.
Is the seed they sow and now they are reaping fruits from it.
And I proudly say here,
City Harvest had been an excellent host!
The music was very good, the Pastor preaching is very good, the food is very good, the electives are very good, the service provided are very good!
What's more to "hiam"?
Its super GOOD okays?
Both my feet’s' thumbs and my hands' thumbs UP!
Not only I, a City Harvester say that, but the preachers who came said that, the overseas delegates said that!
There is more than 24thousand of people attending the Asia Conference 2008, coming from 72 different regions!
For your information, Asia only has less than 40 regions, meaning the rest can come from the Middle East and blah blah!

Pastor Phil Pringle said, "I have never attended a conference that can have 20thousand people attending it on the first day."

I believe God is going to touch Asia in a mighty way!

Revelations upon revelations are spoken.
Pastors prophecies that our Pastor, Pastor Kong, is the one who will shake the Asia. Amen!

I believe! (:

In the so many sessions in the conference, I heard a familiar quote spoken.

"Walk by faith and not by sight."

This is what I first learnt from my cell group leader, Zhang Ming Yao.
He was the one who taught me that.
The first one.
I had been meditating on this phrase that was quoted.
I told myself, "I am from S33, under Ming Yao; I need to have the DNA of his! (:"
I know his matter works.
Seriously, thought I do agree you need to plan too lahhs~
But seriously, this time when I had been walking by faith, miracles upon miracles happen.
Alot of things I feared was cast out.
Darryl, Meng Chin, Marlin & Ming Yao did house visitations for me.
So much more...
Things I never thought will happen had happened!
So you see?

I may have met with many many problems, but one person whom I will hold on for, is Jesus my love.
He is worth all my life, or should I say, He is my life.
He is also my love, my daddy and my God.
He is much more than a religion, He is love.
He showed me love I never felt before, fill my emptiness that was always there and fill me with love.

Benny Hinn’s words touched my heart and struck me hard.
He asked, “Did any of your God tells you He loves you?”
The non-Christian answered, “No.”
He said, “No right? But I tell you, I don’t know about other God, but my God says He loves me. If your God did say that to you, you may go.”
The person wept and asked for Benny Hinn to pray for salvation for him.

Hmmm.
Indeed no other gods told me they love me…
Not even one!
I am grateful and fulfilled that I had chosen to go back to Him after backsliding during Sec1.
I learned alot of things during service, cell group and prayer meeting.
I forgive those who had hurt me.

AND,Benny Hinn is indeed someone who is gifted in healing,

I saw it with my own eyes,

so peepos outta here,don say what "FAKE HEALER".

i witness it(:

AND, i love Pastor Phil Pringle(a very good and handsome preacher) and his wife Christine Pringle(very *lady*,good posture and she have a very motherly feel.)

oh ya.....

I TELL YOU,

I HUGGED A.R BERNARD and HIS SON!

WOAH.i feel so loved!
I have never been hugged by a pastor.

you will regret if you never turn up for asia conference!

ONE MORE,

I get to take photo with LIU GENG HONG!

omy omy!got electrified by his muscles.

he put his hands on my shoulder.

*woots*

photos will be uploaded soon.

stay tuned.

So much on my mind that i don't know what to write.

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yesterday MJ,MY,Darryl and Marlin came to my house for home visitation.

hmmms.

well..it goes smoothly in the sense(:

i am upset that shannon came and i couldnt be there.

dear,i am sorry to make yoo wait and then made a wasted trip.

i feel very guilty for my misjudge of timings.

i really wanted to be there alot for you.

i really want to be the shoulder for yoo to relieve

and the embrace to give yoo warmth..

but i just couldnt make it on time.

我真的很抱歉..

i just hope God,You will be there to give her strength(:

no amount of words cazn describe my feelings.

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i received a sms from my laogong.
she was tagged with insults in her tagboard.

To Jesus i pray,"BIND THE HEART OF THE EVIL ONE WHOM DID THAT,
HEAL THE BROKEN HEART OF MY LOVE,CAST OUT THE FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY OUT OF HER HEART!"

i tell you(the one who insulted my love),
YOU WILL GET IT!
show you how prayers are powerful.
STOP hurting my love ones.
we are nice but not nice to be ride on!
you shut your mouth and shoooo off her blog!
i don;t want to be nasty,neither i want you to ride on her.
i am going to make it big!
trust me!I WILL!
if you do it ONCE MORE!
no chance!
the next minute you will find yourself in the police station!

to all those who wants to try to harm my friends,
BE AWARE!YOU WILL NOT GET OUT OF MY CLUTCHES!
better shooo out of my babes' and hunks' blogs,phones and LIFE!
we do not welcome you.
and for the world's sake,
do you flunk in your "HAO GONG MING"?
flunk in your integrity?
STOP throwing your face at us!
and having a flunk in that don't make you gorgeous or handsome.
it stinks!
PLEASE have some life!
like i promised,
no vulgarities.

============================
To WAN LIN:
i am very disappointed with you.
your irresponsibility!
you sell contact lens..
after months,you don't even have the basic courtesy and mannerism
to even contact my anata.
we waited.
we did as promised,
what about you?
do you know i almost make a police report?
only when i know it is you,i held back.
please have the harvester spirit!
i am so utterly disappointed.
you even hang my phone when i told you i am winnie.
now i know why people don't really like you and how your
bad reputation comes by.
please sober yourself!
===========================
_______________________________________ .
_____________________ .
______________________________________________ ,
___________________________________ .
__________?
_____________________________ ,
________________________________________ .
but i know God knows what i want.(:

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Like i mentioned yerterday.
i was going to meet MJ.
in fact people there were Darryl,MJ,Mingyao,Marlin and me(:
We were in the bible study room at CHC office at suntec..
i must confessed i was very uptight in the beginning.
RAWRRS.
but then one thing i felt in the end.
I FELT LOVES that i never felt before.
out of a sudden,
my burdens are off my shoulders.
for once,i felt real happiness in my heart.
i felt being cared for.
though they are leaders,they did not use godly stuffs on me.
instead the ways they used is WHAT I WANTED and LOOKED FOR!
they spoke to me in words like,"Huh?so long?like that how many sleepless nights must we have liao?"
yoo know?all these words are powerful(:
Marlin and Darryl gave me a hug..
REALL HUGG..
i seriously can feel the LOVE wooosse out of their heart..
as if i am in a candy palace..
i love them..
thankyou for being there.
thankyou for being the stars that shine that now i can get out of my dark path.
at last i spoke my heart words to them.
atlas it is all out..
wo gan jue bei jie tuo le..(:

GREATEST APPRECIATIONS TO:
Marlin & Darryl
Meng Chin & Ming Yao

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today we are going for dinner with mingyao and marlin..
very excited i should say..
tonight i have to meet mj with marlin..
yes,feeling really uptight..
i am worried..
my heart cant stop running fast.
what questions will be asked?
what things will be said?
i am afraid ruining my family.
so so much..
i dare not make that decision......
sighhh..

place peace in my heart,Lord.

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hmmms.life had not been g8.
but still i am kicking here.
hmmms.
i faced lots of challenges in my daily life.
i missed alot of peepos by,
but still i am trying to pull myself together.

okayys.
ends here.
sad things shud not be posted here(:
i am still biting to it.
GOD is my source of happiness,
my need,
my love
and my DAD.

one and only dad i acknowledge with all of my heart.
truly,i want to be the salt and light of You,my Father.
Cast out all negative thinkings in my thoughts,oh Lord.
Fill me more and more!(:

AND AND AND!
i wanna confess:
"I CAN FULFILL MY ARISE AND BUILD PLEDGE!((:"
yeah i can,
God,by Your will.
walk by faith and not by sight(:
YEAH.

CYNTHIA,ADELINE,GEORGE,SHAWN and ALL bitter souls!
I am for you,because i am one of you.
i went through it too,i know how it feels.
i know what can heals the pain.
i know,not just say say,but really i know the depth of the pain.
Don't worry,i will stand by yoo what comes may.
No matter how big the storms are,
how deep the well is,
and how painful it will gets,
I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU!(:

T A K E N . B Y . S J J

T A K E N . B Y . F Q T

T H E . V E R D I C T

I L O V E Y O U

A . P A R T . O F . M Y . L I F E

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