It was first my happiest day in my coming 24 years and ended up as the most soul-breaking days of it all.
9th May 2014is a day that I decided to buy the air tickets and book the hotel to bring my mom overseas for her upcoming birthday despite being really at the brim already.. I remembered clearly that I was left with about 400 over dollars in my bank and a few $2 notes in my wallet. It was really a very very hard decision to make because every month the whole of my pay goes into paying debts. And when I say "the whole of my pay", it means Mon - Fri admin job of take-home $1200 and my weekends variable income. I will be left with nothing. And the only reason I had 400 over dollars that month was small savings that I saved and scrapped a few months back before starting the installment payment. I was struggling very very hard to decide on whether to use this $400 over dollars to tide over these "every month zero pay" of 4 months, or to bring my mom overseas. And yes, in the end I decided to just bring my mom overseas because I have always hoped that I can bring her overseas with my own money. She had not been travelling to other countries except for Indonesia(once with her friends) and Malaysia because we had always been in a not-so-good financial situation since young. I paid about $275 for our air tickets through Scoot. I went to find the best reviews for the hotels in comparison to the remaining money I am left with. So, I found "The Loft77" which I paid about $87 for the biggest room with breakfast and "The Vertical Suite" for about $120. Loft77 was the cheapest and nearest to airport of the few I like, so for budget-wise, I chose to stay there for one night. The Vertical Suite was the one I truly looked forward to bring her to, and if I had enough money I would have stayed there for both nights. In the description, there were bedroom, bath tub, living room, dining table, kitchen, refrigerator, over, microwave, toaster and even washing machine. I was thinking that staying in a place like home will be very ideal when you are overseas. And yes, my bank was left with$0.07 after all these payments. I was preparing to starve because I feel that nothing beats being able to bring my mom overseas for her birthday! I have always wished I can do something for her, to let her know that I really love her and cares for her. I want her to know that other than my king, I also want to be able to bring her and dad out to travel on my own expenses, just to let them be stress-free. When I was young, I always hear them saying that they want to travel around. However, it never happened. That is because we can't afford to do so. I have always take this to heart and really want to bring them for travelling. This time round, I could only bring my mom there without my dad because that's really the maximum I can afford. And I really really feel sad about it and feel really disappointed with myself. In regards to this feeling about not being able to bring my dad together, I did not tell anyone. I guess it is because I was forced to be independent when I was young, therefore I can't and don't really express much of my most inner feelings to my family. I was often bullied in Primary schools by my schoolmates and even the teachers. I lived in JB back then, waking up at 3.45am and board the school bus at 4am and reached home at 9.30pm everyday except Sunday. My mom was banned from coming to Singapore because of some ROM issues, and my dad also goes to work in Singapore to and fro everyday. There was no such thing as handphone back there and if you can afford a pager, it is already considered a very "WOW" thing. We were too poor for that. I was a transferred student from another school after my mom's issue. I could not really click with anybody. When I was young, because we are too poor and I am too hungry, I go around borrowing money. And of course, I have many problems with returning them the money and etc. And this issue got me into alot of problems. I started to owe the canteen aunties money for their food. I was being looked down for my actions as expected out of what the society will do. I was being hated, teachers and students are disgusted with my behaviour. And no, I am not saying that I agree with my behaviour nor do I think it is the right thing to do. What to expect from my Primary school experience? Of course, Upper Primary started to extort money from me, bullied me. There was once, a big and tall Primary 5 boy grabbed me up from my collar and throw me onto the floor because I had no money and of course because I was well hated by everyone. And everyone knows that no one, absolutely no one will stand up for me. Not the schoolmates, not the teachers, not the principals and not even my parents. I was basically treated like a child with no parents. To everyone, I am just a unwanted and unloved child that no one loves or cares about. I had no one to turn to. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to rely on. All I knew is I need to be strong because no one will be there for me. I have always learnt that no one in this world will help you except yourself. I have always told myself that I need to be strong, be stronger, be the strongest. I had signs of depression and anger since young and as you can expect, counselling room is a place I will visit every week for my sort of behaviour and psychological disorder.Honestly, that's the only place that I always looked forward to go to. It is the only place in school that no other students are around, a place I can relax myself for a short while. I remembered being a very angry child and I think my counselor knew that. She taught me ways to control my anger and it is considered the only things I learnt in my Primary years. I did not reveal all of me to her, not the part I was bullied, not the part I was really hurt and insecure. Note that the amount of time I spend at home, is from 9.30pm to 3.45am for at least 5 days per week. That is about 6 hours and 15 minutes which consists of my bath time, homework time and sleep time. I had no time to talk about how I feel and what happened to me in school. The only things my parents know is they have gotten complaints from school. They beat me up terribly alot, ranges from clothes hangers to canes to those wooden rods used for hanging clothes to thick wood rod, of course not forgetting being pressed down to the floor and slapped more than a hundred times so hard that my whole face were swollen like a pig head. What's worse is I need to bring that beat-up face, caned marks all over my body, legs and hands,many blue-blacks and sometimes bleeding wounds to school. Not only do I suffer physical pain, I suffered humiliation from teachers and students, suffered mental torture from all the laughs, giggles, gossips and weird stares. It just proved them right that I am a unloved child. My pride and ego was crushed like they never existed, my heart was torn into pieces like as if they weren't supposed to be in one-piece in the first place. I was desperate and did not know what to do. There was a night I went to my mom's container to take money without her permission. And guessed what did I do with the money? Eat? Nope. Play? Nope. Shop? Yes, but not things for myself. I went to bookshop to buy many many glitter pens which was something very hot-selling back in those days. And did you guess the next step? I distributed them to everyone, in exchange for friendship, for them to write in my diary. And yes, they did accept it and be "nice" to me. However, it did not wait long before my mom realised that her money was "miraculously" lost. The bus uncle who fetched the Malaysian students to and fro from school realised that I had been giving out presents to other schoolmates and told my mom about it. Obviously, I got into very bad shit from there on. My dad came to school to see the principal about this matter. My classmates realised that there is danger coming so all of them threw the used glitter pens back at me and quickly ended the "never-once-truthful-friendship" with the sentence, "Glitter pen you take back, so we don't want to friend you anymore." My parents were extremely angry with me for many many months over this issue. In the beginning, I did not tell her the reason why I did what I have done. It was only until she beats me until I am in excruciating pain and I am in an extreme fear for the next beating that I said that the reason I took her money was to buy friendships. She was even angrier at how stupid I can be and why I took HER money to buy MY friends. I do not remember how long the beatings and scoldings went on, it went on for way too long. And Primary school life was still back to square one, just a worse one. My table was thrown down from 4th floor into a pond, my books were torn and thrown into different rubbish bins around the school. I was asked to stand at the left hand corner of the class everyday behind the movable cupboard which was called the "library corner". The teacher who is named Mr Lim will ask his "pets" to sweep all the dirt onto me when it is "housekeeping" time. And yes, almost the whole of Primary 4 was spent sitting at the left hand corner on the dirty floor where dusts and dirt are my best friends, blocked by the cupboard as he did not want to see my sickening face. Well.. that kind of summarized my Primary School life. When I was Secondary 1, my mom was given permission to enter Singapore, so we stayed in Singapore. Again, I could not click with my secondary school mates. And yes, it had always been an issue. In the beginning, I did make a few friends, we even went to perform on stage together. I was dying to have a different life compared to my primary school life. However, somehow along the way, the girl who I was close to, started to date Ah Bengs from upper Secondary. We then drifted and even started to have misunderstandings. She started asking her Ah Beng and Ah Lian friends to find trouble with me. She lied about many things that I did not do. She is a very pretty and popular girl in school back then, and of course a hideous girl like me won't be of anyone's good books and as usual I needed to fight the battle alone. Yes, alone, again. Maybe you had guessed it right, there was no way I could win the battle. I lost in my looks, lost in my popularity and soon I lose my good attitude as well. I began building walls, strong and tough walls. I needed them to protect myself, afterall I had some experience of it in Primary school already. My desire to be accepted by people started to get buried up by my walls of anger and hatred. My mom felt that I was rebellious and said that I had changed alot and had turned rotten, yes, rotten apple. She said I was never like that even when I was in Primary School. There were constant scoldings, beatings and insults from her that happened very frequently. These definitely added coldness into my darkness. I really felt like as if I was walking in a very dark tunnel where I can't even see anything but feel my brokenness and uncontrollable tears. My attitude became very strong. I did not even cry when I was beaten up by the gangsters. I stare straight into their eyes when being questioned and threatened. Somehow I mastered the skill of not blinking. I can literally not blink at all for a very very long time. I felt like a zombie. I walked to school, in school, out of school, like a dead zombie. I remembered always seeing my soul floating behind me and looking at myself, my back view. Tears will often play around my eyes as I sink lower to the bottom world. I will always tell myself not to let my tears roll down and force myself and absorb the tears back to my heart from my eyes. My heart turned cold. And for many years, I was not afraid of coldness. I believe it is because of the strong defensiveness in me, knowing that I am the only one who can protect myself. And also because of a strong belief that if my heart is cold enough, my body will not feel cold. I guessed that's how I can bear the coldness most people can't and sometimes not even realising there is coldness. You are probably wondering why I did not talk or confide in my parents. I tried. There was once I told my dad that there is this group of girls who is calling other gangs to look for my trouble. He came with me and you know what happened? He submitted to the beauty of the ladies. He was smiling and talking to them and even say that,"Sorry if my daughter is a bad child. Hope you guys just let it go." and continued smiling to them. I felt very disgraced and of course I became a joke for the next few months when the gossips of how my dad also think that I am a bad child, reminding me of those days I had in Primary school. And, of course I did try to confide in my mom, and all she thinks is that it is all my own fault. Because I am too fat, too attitude, too lousy, unpopular and etc. And whenever she is angry, she will use all those problems I once confided with her to shoot and provoke me, laughing at my miserable soul. I swear, the things said, the actions done, broke me into dust. Gradually, I begin to be unable to cry. I felt intense sadness but no tears could come out. And again, I will see my soul standing behind me and giving myself a pat on my head telling me "It's ok, I love you." My soul had the ability to cry but my physical eyes don't. If you look close and clear enough, you could see every bit of emptiness in those eyes of mine. You will just feel a sense of creepiness I guess? Because of the motionless of my eyes and the way I walk - slow and paced. Even now when I am recalling back on how I walked, I could still feel the intensity of brokenness within. All those years, I couldn't express love for my mom. Another main reason was because I was being denied of my love for her by her, again and again. I always celebrates her birthday, tried buying rose, cooking for her, doing house chores, making cards and etc, but she never once felt loved, or at least that's what she said. And honestly, I was always very heartbroken to hear that. But because I know I need to be more matured, to read between the lines and all that. I secretly thinks that she did feel my love for her, she was happy even if it was for that one second, she knows that I love her just that she don't say. And for many years, that was how I keep reminding myself that she does know that I love her and cares for her. I always strongly believe in that until this time round, on the 6th June 2014 night. She was revealing what my dad feels about me and etc. The only few sentences I could remember is,
"Papa always gets angry about you and scold me saying that I should not do this and that for you and that you are a very bad child. And I always tell him that,"You only have one child, you don't care for her, who else you can care for? In future, she will mature and even if she don't, if you die already, she will still attend your funeral, isn't it?" then he keeps quiet."
I swear, for that very moment I hear this, I could feel the breaking sounds of the chains that is keeping the pieces of my heart attached. She actually said that sentence very calmly and proudly of how she stood up for me. Every single word sounded very sincere, very truthful and is like it really came from the bottom of her heart, with no pretense at all. I was flabbergasted together with devastation. Is like, all the bubbles of "I thought you know that I love you and cares for you and really put in effort to do my best to show you, just that because you are a elder so you do not want to admit it.", just burst.
"I know I am a not-good-enough daughter, and had failed you in many of your expectations, disappointed you, made you upset and is a daughter that has never made things go right, never treated you guys well before."
Thinking back that all those times when I told you that,"I know I am a not-good-enough daughter, and had failed you in many of your expectations, disappointed you, made you upset and is a daughter that has never made things go right, never treated you guys well before." and how you complained to dad and quarrelled just to make me believe that's not the case. You beat me, fight with me, chased me out of the house to oppose against this thought I had, telling me how wrong I was to think this way and that you two thought very well of me. To also think back of how innocent and naive I was, to believe that you really had at least a little tinnie-minnie feeling and knowing of how I really love you and am really taking any opportunity I have,to make the family a better one and a happier one.-despite how your actions, body languages and words meant the other way. There was a true and hopeful little Winnie inside my heart that thought maybe you could feel at least a little bit of love that I have for you, at least a little bit of change I made. In the end, it just proved that it all goes as a waste, a wilful thinking.
She also said,
"Since when have you think about your family? What have you done for the family? You don't even love your home."
Again, with a calm and sincere tone, a tone that again showed how much she truly feels this way for all these years. I do not know how to fully express how I felt inside. I was so...so...broken... That last piece of hope I held, is gone. I felt being lied to. I could not understand why must she go all out to beat me, scold me, chase me out of the house just to show me that my thinking is not true when the truth is - my thinking is nothing but the truth. Maybe people will feel that I am immature for writing these, for feeling this way because I will never understand a mother's heart and thinking till I am a mother myself. I, too, tried to think in her shoes.
The reasons I came up with her actions were:-
To protect me
Don't want to hurt me
Pride and ego
Truth-denial
Don't want to have conflicts at home
Still, I couldn't accept it.
I have to admit that a part of me was torn away ever since that night and I have yet to be in peace.
Alot alot of negative emotions, alot alot of feelings, like I had lost that last piece of hope and belief about my family in me. There were so much more things being said but by then my heart and mind had already shut down the doors.
There is one last thing I remembered clearly.
She said,
"I cannot understand why my daughter become like that. I took care of you when you were young. How come you become like this? How come you become so fat and ugly? I really don't understand. There are many nights I have to cry secretly. I really really don't know why you become so fat. You know, my friends always ask,"Eh, why your daughter so fat? You never control her is it?" You know how embarrassed and ashamed I feel anot? I don't even know how to say. My friends laugh at me because of you. I really don't know how come you become like that."
Although I have heard similar things from her before, I still can't control but to feel depressed. I told her that I don't understand why till now she still thinks this way. I had been putting alot of effort to slim down, I put in alot of effort to control my diet, resist my temptation, avoid going to fast food restaurants, avoid fried stuffs, avoid sweet stuffs, stay in office so that I don't feel too hungry, eat one meal per day, gym, exercise and I had slimmed down about 7.5kg since April 2014. She said that she cannot see any results at all, she never see me slimming down at all. And she said she find that I am very weird that I don't dare to let her see my weight.
I will never reveal it to her simply because she cannot tolerate it. If she knew my real weight, she would be more miserable than ever. I think it is best to leave it at her imagination. I don't think I can take in anymore blows. It is better to be misunderstood for something that can be true or not true than to be misunderstood for something that is true but has its story behind it.
I am just really shattered into pieces in the inside since then. It feels like it is raining inside everyday especially when I see her, whenever I think of that night, whenever I see my ugly fats in the mirror, whenever I feel the fats on my body.
I think I might be suffering from bulimia. I feel a very strong,intense depressed emotion of not working out enough in gym. If i do not work out non-stop for 2 hours, I will feel that I have wasted my time, I have not done good enough. If I do not feel the pain from the workouts, I will feel that I have not done enough. When I see any foods, I will be "NO!!! I CANNOT EAT!!!!!". I will have the feeling to want to vomit out all the food I have put in my mouth. I just feel disgusted with myself.
Pardon my long long long long old grandma story.
_________________________________________________________________________________ Side-track abit and to end it lightly:
There was ONE identical thing that happened in my Primary School and Secondary School life that gave me a little relaxation and ease. That is band.
In Primary School, I wanted to join band, I was asked to sing "DO" and I was accepted by the band instructor. At that time, everyone stopped the band instructor from allowing me to join band, telling how bad I was. It was only him, Mr Simon Ng, who gave me a glimpse of hope, a reason to live. He ignored their comments and treated me very well. I am the only one who dare to speak to him, eat with him and even have his handphone number. I am very grateful to him because I felt that there is one human who still cares for me and believes in me. Till now, I am still very grateful of his existence. In Secondary School, I continue to pursue music in band. This time the instructor is Ms Doreen Tan. In the beginning, she is really very judgmental towards me and french horn section, because she herself is a very pro french horn player. I trained very very hard, practised very very hard, channelled all my energy and time into making it good. I remembered there was once, there was a school concert and I remembered it was the song "Mulan", I texted her to stop looking down on us and how sad I feel about her comments. She replied,"There is always a door for you if you are unhappy." Of course, I was angry back then. When we were warming up at the rehearsal hall, we looked into each other's eyes when we saw each other. Her eyes brimming with "You are very daring." and mine with "Hmmph! Watch us play and prove you wrong!" At last, our hard efforts was worth! She jumped in joy and said that our section played exceptionally well. From that day onwards, my french horn section had maintained the "Best Section" throughout the years I was there and a few years more though I don't know how it is for now. _________________________________________________________________________________
